~Music that speaks to my soul~

You know those few songs that, at the right time of life they really speak to your soul and leave you moved? Then listening to it over and over and over again, it's like drinking angelic water when you didn't even know you were thirsty for it?

Sometimes I know exactly why it speaks to me, like EFY songs I love really speak to my soul on a very gospel-spiritual level. And some I have no idea why I love them so, so much, but I do and I can't get enough.

Here's a song I found through Spotify and I AM IN LOVE WITH IT!

I can't get enough. I kinda wish I could have somewhere to perform it because there is such a connection made to a song when you perform it in front of people. A mix of the adrenaline and the feelings of the music, and sharing them with an audience....ahhhh. It's so great, but nerve-wracking too....but great  :)

"Once Upon Another Time"

Once upon another time

Somebody's hands who felt like mine

Turned the key and took a drive

Was free

Highway curve, the sun sank low

Buckley on the radio

Cigarette was burning slow

So breathe

Just yellow lines and tire marks

And sun-kissed skin and handle bars

And where I stood was where I was to be

No enemies to call my own

No porch light on to pull me home

And where I was is beautiful

Because I was free

Once upon another time

Before I knew which life was mine

Before I left the child behind me

I saw myself in summer nights

And stars lit up like candle light

I make my wish but mostly I believed...

In yellow lines and tire marks

Sun-kissed skin and handle bars

And where I stood was where I was to be

Once upon another time

Decided nothing good in dying

So I would just keep on driving

Because I was free

I italicized the parts that really spoke to me, although I really could have italicized the WHOLE SONG since it's like she wrote the whole song about me. Thank you Sara :)

~Crystal

Midnight Rambles

This is gonna be a long one. I can tell. ;)

I used to think (up until fairly recently) that since most of our problems, as individuals, are rooted, or can be traced back to things that happened to us as children, that if I could only be the best mother possible (aka: nearly perfect), then my children would grow up with hardly any problems to overcome in their lives. They would be so nicely put together and confident that things would go easier for them, and they could see the world, and themselves more clearly.

Let's go over this logic:
Perfect Mother = Children with no problems.

Errrrrrn. Wrong. See the failed logic here.
First of all, there's no such thing as a perfect Mother. Oh, I can give you a whole list of them that come really, really, really, really, really close...but even they...I don't wanna say it....ugh...yes, even they have their shortcomings.

Also, people are people with individual daily choices and freedom. They decide who they are! They decide if they will DECIDE to overcome any issues in their life, or give in to them. And of course not all problems come from childhood.

The real revelation that came to me was this. Maybe I'm not a perfect mother because my children are supposed to have some problems. WHAT? SAY WHAT?? People aren't supposed to have problems...or are they?

Let me tell you a quick, and very true story. You may have heard of the Biosphere 2. A huge dome was built in Arizona and they put all sorts of plants, animals, insects inside. I don't know everything about it, but there was a lot of research to benefit from it, and I think one reason it was created was to see if people could survive in a biosphere like this one on another planet. Say the Moon or Mars.
(Please forgive my poor grammar. This late at night I'm not paying much attention to it.)
So, people lived in this sphere with all the plants, trees, creatures and their little farm for two years.
They noticed something really interesting when everyone emerged and they took a look inside. A certain species of tree would flop right over. Just completely fall for no reason. WHY?
Because there was no WIND in the Biosphere! It had no opposition for it to brace itself against, and make itself stronger! Here's an interesting tid-bit, the type of wood on the tree that helps it brace itself and get stronger is known as Stress Wood/Reaction Wood. Hmmm. Mull that over for a while. Reaction. I love that.

One of my favorite movies is The Iron Giant (currently Rowan's favorite as well). My favorite line from the movie is this: "YOU ARE WHO YOU CHOOSE TO BE."

I can't tell you how much it irks me when I hear people say in regards to their negative attitude, or their gossiping mouth, or disregard for others, "Well, that's just the way I am. Get used to it."
Indicating that they have no choice over who they are. They know what they do is wrong or hurtful, but they don't care enough to change, and even expect others to accept them and even love them for "who they are." Irks. Totally irks me. (Can you tell I like the word 'irk'. probably 'cause it doesn't feel like a real word, but hey my spell checker thinks it is!)

Anyway, back to being a Mother. To put it mildly my first born (a red-head) is stubborn, and loves power struggles. Up until about a year and two months ago she and I were doing great together! Still had struggles, of course, but I felt pretty good about our relationship and the structure of our day, and in general just being a Mom. But at that point I was about 3 months away from having our second child and I just couldn't play as much, or be as enthusiastic about her or what she was up to. Frankly, I was a big old crank. I was super crabby because I hadn't gotten a good night's sleep in 6 months, and I was huge, no, really HUGE! My pregnancy clothes barely fit. And for the month of May she and I stayed at my parents house (a state away) while my husband went to work in Texas for just over a month. So I was basically a single, very pregnant, very big, and very-addicted-to-pastries mother of a stubborn toddler. In another house, 12 hours away from my house. I was not a very happy person, or pleasant to be around. She got a little crazy and spoiled over the summer, but once we got back home (with a new baby) things seemed fine....until November. Sometime in November she went from being so confident and happy (she would just wave to me and say 'bye' when we dropped her off for nursery) to being clingy, having more outbursts, and I'm sorry to say she has had meltdowns where I had no idea what I was going to do. Seasoned Mothers know what I'm talking about. Where you are borderline crazy and you think "this must be hell", but at the same time you love them so much you are still considering their emotional welfare and wishing you could just hug them and cry over them. All the while telling yourself "If I throw something right now, it will teach her to throw things." But your soul is split in half! So much anger/frustration and so much love competing. If any men are reading this, just be thankful for that 'awful day at work'! (not to mention the new baby crying in the background because her screaming woke her up) double whammy!
But I am making this all sound so terrible. Forgive me. Obviously it is not like this ALL the time.
Yesterday was a day like that. But after nap-time (when she finally went down) I decided that she and I don't get enough one-on-one time. So, after she got up we went to get ice cream. And we had fun!
I LOVE her smiles, I LOVE the say she says "No, thank you." in her cute, high voice. I LOVE that she is so polite, and that she delights in sharing (usually). I LOVE that whenever I say 'Ow.' she comes running over and says "You okay? Here, 'tiss" (aka: kiss) and she'll kiss it "all better." I LOVE that she loves to be outdoors, I LOVE that she is a great big sister. I LOVE how excited she gets in the morning to wake up and have cereal. I LOVE that she sings so well, and that she is so smart. I LOVE HER!

So, let me try and tie this all in together. I know things that happen to us in our lives can condition us, especially when we are children. We the most influential at that age. And each and everyone of us has imperfect parents who parent imperfectly, so we are bound to have things to overcome as we grow older. But what if those 'things', 'problems', 'bumps in the road', 'having a hard time dealing with different stuff in life', were actually blessings? For our benefit. Because like the wind to the trees, the stress wood, no, the REACTION WOOD, problems help build us stronger. We can decide if our REACTION is to give in to the wind and bend, or to react by making ourselves stronger. Fighting that wind and making the best of it! If it is true that 'problems are blessings', then doesn't that make me, an imperfect mother, a blessing-giver?

Here's some new logic:
Imperfect mother = stronger little-child-trees that won't bend in the wind

BUT what about building that 'Reaction Wood'? How will my children know how to do that?
By me not throwing things, by teaching through love and the best example I can muster, and especially, most importantly by teaching them to follow the one who is THE PERFECT EXAMPLE.
Our Savior Jesus Christ. By his words and example I can teach them the proper REACTIONS to have, even when I struggle.

Last equation, I promise. I love non-math equations!

Imperfect, but trying mother, using Christ's example and teachings = strong children who know how to build reaction wood to be strong, through her struggling example and Christ's perfect one
Paired with a husband/Daddy with the same attitude and we're unstoppable! Right? :D

I'm sure this seems obvious and rather silly to some of you reading. Guess what, in a way it is to me too! This principle is something I have known almost my whole life, but when you're in the thick of it (war with a toddler) you just can't think clearly, and I love getting a new perspective on a foundational principal I already know. It opens up so many more channels off of that subject for me to learn more.

Here's from my midnight philosophies to yours.
~Crystal

A favorite character

Milly.
Milly rocks.
Milly rocks my socks.

If you've never seen Seven Brides for Seven Brothers you should see it. It's a favorite at our house, and especially one of Rowan's favorites.
My favorite thing about the movie is Milly. She is da-bomb.
She marries a guy she falls in love with, but barely knows and when he takes her up the mountain to his place it turns out that he is one of seven grown brothers that live at home, and their parents have passed on. So she has to cook/clean/care for seven 'scroungy' back-woodsmen with no manners and basically tricked into doing it.

Here is why Milly rocks:
She gets up to this house the day of her wedding and her new husband basically runs through the list of chores she's gonna be doing to take care of him and his six brothers. Mending, cooking, cleaning, chopping firewood, etc. After running the list he points her to the kitchen, tells her where to find water (and drag it in by the bucket), and tells her to ring when dinner is ready.
What would I have done? Probably gotten the water from 'down the path' and thrown it in his face. Hahahaha. But, I like what she did even better.
She took one look around in, possibly, a moment of self pity, then rolled up her sleeves and got to work. Wow. But just wait. One dinner is ready the men come in and slop all over it like animals and don't even say thank you. Well, rightfully so, she turns the table over on them, hehe.
Milly then goes up to her room to think. Then there's a scene where she and Adam (her husband) reconcile.
The next morning, did she ask him to drive her back to the town where she had a life she understood and was comfortable with, and not to mention, was respected? Nope. She got up super early and made tons of delicious food and took all the boys clothes and cleaned them. Then she shows the best example of taking charge I've ever seen, she tells the boys they can come and eat this delicious spread of food after they've cleaned up.
Not only did she take charge of her unfortunate situation, but she the first time she failed, or I should say had an outcome she didn't want, she TRIED AGAIN! Then the boys learned manners and became respectful and even would come to her for advice.
So, Milly rocks because when she was faced with a nasty situation she rolled up her sleeves and went to work to make it work! (Tim Gunn reference, absolutely) ;)
Milly never whined or complained about her issues, or went telling all her friends so they'd feel sorry for her. She acted like the strong woman she is and took matters into her own hands, and tried and tried again.
Milly rocks my socks. (phrase my friends and I invented while in high school) :)

Snails

After a couple rare rains here in Arizona some cute little snails emerged by our back porch. Rowan was so excited to discover these little snails. She had never seen any before. 

Then the other day she was playing with some colored water on the porch while we were learning about mixing colors. Well, the water poured over and flooded the dirt at the edge of the porch, and all the snails came out of their little home that was, lo and behold, under our porch.

 

The last couple days we have been watching and examining these darling creatures. And oddly enough I can sit and be quite entertained watching them slide around. It's really relaxing!

Rowan calls them Shenllos, or sometimes Shnells. As I tucked her into bed last night she was talking about the Shenllos outside and the Mama Shenllo, and Daddy Shenllo, and the baby Shnells. 

At first she was okay to touch them and pet them, but didn't want to hold one. Then today she brought one to me, and showed me how she had helped all the 'friends' be together. She was totally excited to see them 'hugging' too ;) (More like, crawling all over each other, and possibly procreating, haha.)

Here she is holding a baby snail.

I was telling Ben how cool homeschooling would be. Where we could take this simple discovery of snails and turn them into a great teaching lesson depending on her age. We could learn how to differentiate between the males and females; what their homes really look like underground; how they slide around, and all that jazz! We haven't decided for sure if we'll home-school yet, but it's likely. I was homeschooled as a kid and I loved it. 

Ben says it's like having a pet, except they're much easier to maintain. ;)

We love our little Shenllos.

.Unexpected blessings.

So, 
Since Rowan has been sleeping in our bed...I almost said "my bed" since Ben has been sleeping elsewhere because an adorable munchikin has taken his spot...I have noticed some unexpected good things that have come from this little difficulty.

Yes, Rowan is still in our bed. Bad, bad, bad. I KNOW! But I now have a plan that I finally feel right about. I'm just looking to get a new bed for her first and then execute it. :) Honestly, for a while I just didn't feel like it was the right time to move her back to her room, and I'm sure it was so we could have the benefit of some of these blessings. 

Here are some of the blessings I've noticed:

1. If Rowan falls asleep somewhere, mainly the car, she won't wake up (or at least not stay awake) if we try to move her. Very, very convenient!
2. It has been so nice to cuddle with Rowan at night to put her to sleep. Her and I have been on some rough ground since the holidays and I think it was a well-designed blessing to have her sleeping in my bed while we were going through that. That way we had some time together that wasn't stressful. I really think we've gotten closer to each other, and developed more peace from this experience.
3. Rowan can sleep through most of Mercedes' crying and chatting at night now. At first I was worried at every little sound Mercedes made, afraid it would wake Rowan, but she's sleeps through it. That was something I was worried would bother Rowan if they shared a room, but now I can put that worry to rest.

There's more, but my head is kind of foggy today and I can't remember the rest right now. But I love how there is always something good that can come from something bad or difficult.

Parent troubles

This is two posts in one, so it's pretty long. Just fair warning. If you make it through all of it, thank you :) 
Anger Issues:

Before Christmas Ben and I had a talk about Rowan and decided we were being a little too strict with her. At one point it was necessary because she was acting out a lot, but we figured we could give her a little extra room and not cart her off to time out so quickly. She had earned it, we were going a lot more days without time outs, so things were going really smooth.

The next week we drove to Utah for Christmas and we were there for almost two weeks. We drove during the day and got there in the evening. Of course Rowan and Mercedes were both cranky for a couple days because of the long drive. For the next while Rowan started to get a huge attitude. Christmas Eve, or the night before I'm not sure, she had the biggest fit/meltdown she has ever had. It started when we were changing her diaper at night and getting her ready for PJ's. She had been getting more and more testy and independent about diaper time (a sign it's time for potty training I know), so at this point she had to open up the diaper and she had to pull the little tabs and put it on her bum before I could cinch it up. But she was taking forever! She probably felt more pressured since Ben and I were both there getting her ready for bed, and we were all getting very frustrated. We kept urging her to put her diaper on and she was just messing with our heads putting it off. Pushing buttons. We were afraid she would pee on the bed! So I told her she had to put it on or I would, and of course she wouldn't so I took it from her to put on and the hysterics started. She absolutely flipped out. I tried my hardest to put it on her and she (while screaming and thrashing) took the diaper and shredded it apart. As well as the next two. I asked her if she would put it on herself and she would not. She would not do anything but thrash and scream and kick, like someone possessed by a devil. Seriously.

This went on for probably 30 minutes. I'm not sure. We bribed, we threatened, we yelled. Nothing changed. Continued hysterics went on. Finally Ben and I got a diaper on her and her pj pants (working as fast as possible) and I put her in time out. She threw her fit good and loud there for her 2 minutes, then after I wiped her nose she calmed down and she and I (mostly I) talked about it and she said sorry and we did hugs.
All over. *Sigh*

Christmas Eve I got sick. Flu or strep or something. My throat hurt SO bad to talk or swallow, and I got a fever. I was on the couch all night. Everyone else seemed fine.
Christmas went well (Sunday). Then Monday Rowan got sick. She had a fever for 3 days. Then she seemed to be okay so we drove to California to spend New Year's with Ben's side of the family.
(Btw, in case you're wondering, Ben's brother is a doctor and we were in contact with him. So Rowan did have some medical monitoring.)

California was lots of fun! We had a great time! But while we were there Rowan had two more meltdowns. And sadly everyone in the house had to listen to them too :(
I don't know how long they dragged on for. I would guess 45 minutes to an hour, but I really don't know. One time also started because of the diaper thing. And the other was for no reason at all. She just freaked out, and there was no calming her or pleasing her. I was so embarrassed and mortified at her absolutely horrific behavior!!!

Once we got home things seemed a little better for the first week home. She still had a big attitude, but it wasn't quite as bad when it was just us. She listened a little better. Then all of last week was the W-O-R-S-T. It was a fight every hour of every day. She was constantly yelling at me for everything! There was almost never any peace between us. I felt constant anger and annoyance at everything because of the tenor of our relationship and being unable to please her, as well as her being unwilling to listen to me. I prayed and prayed over it. I told God I didn't want to feel this way and that I knew I could stop, but that I needed His strength to help me. The Sunday before this last one Rowan's attitude was so different. It was a miracle!!! She was happy and willing to talk to me normally, kindly even. And I responded with the same kindness and respect. That day was wonderful! She behaved in church and even after church. I don't think we even had a time out that day! :)

Things between us have been much better! I am so grateful to God for helping me find the patience I needed, and for helping Rowan have a much nicer attitude. I still, and very truly, need Him every hour. It's taking A LOT of patience to keep this up every day. I seriously wanna throw a fit as big as hers just in retribution sometimes! But we're doing much better.

(This is not Rowan, btw.)

The Night Terrors:

The latest issue though, is nighttime. While we were in Utah Rowan slept in the bottom of the bunk bed in the same room with Ben, Mercedes and I. A big girl bed. She loved it! It was hard to get her to nap in there at first, but she finally did. She even asked for a nap herself, twice! Holy cow, I know!
Then in California she had a little bed made up on the floor (again in the same room as Mercedes, Ben and I) and she loved it. She even napped in there with Mercedes.

Once we got home she went back to her crib without any problem, but we thought that since she did so well with the "big girl beds" over the holidays we should take down one side of her crib and make it a bed! She was SO EXCITED! She loved her "big girl bed." And she slept in it just fine for several nights. Then about a week ago she all the sudden freaked out about going to bed. She kept putting it off asking for water (and demanding to get it herself, not letting us bring it to her). And asking for another prayer, and another prayer. After indulging quite a bit with the water and prayers, I told her it was time for bed. After like the 9th "tuck-tuck" into bed. She stayed and I made sure ALL the lights in the house were off so she wouldn't feel the need to get up and go looking for us, or that she was missing out. She finally went to sleep.

The next night was the same thing, except after the long haul and finally closing the door and turning off all the lights she would NOT go back to bed. She would sit at her door and scream for me to come. I left all the lights off and tucked her in again and sat by her, but she wouldn't stay in bed. She wanted me to hold her (which I'm not accustomed to doing very much because it hurts my back). It had been hours by this point so I told her she could sit in time out or go to bed. She sat in time out while Ben and I got on our computers, leaving one of the lights on. After time out was done she still did not want to sleep and I knew it was useless. I let her stay up and watch a movie with me on my computer. I felt bad because she was crying so much and seemed so devastated. She fell asleep on my shoulder and I laid her down in bed. She woke up crying in the morning, like she did not want to be there.

The next night was the same thing again. *sigh* At this point I was very, very tired. This night was even longer. She fought and fought. I knew I had to buckle down and be stubborn about her going to sleep because she was going to be stubborn, but I wasn't sure what procedure to use. I sat in her room with her and she wouldn't lay down. I read her a story (which finally got her in bed) and told her after the story she needed to sleep. She calmed down for the story which we read twice and then she wanted, what? Water. Of course. Gah! She used to go to bed at 8:30 pm, it was 1 pm when Ben finally took her for a drive in the car to put her to sleep and put her in her bed. A few hours later she woke up crying and seemed scared so we put her in our bed. Some of you are probably thinking "Oh no. You didn't. You'll never go back now." But those of you thinking that probably already know the exhaustion associated with kids that won't go to bed for days and days, and the fight that goes with it. At that point we gave in. The next few nights she slept in our bed. Last night included. :(

I don't want to start a pattern. This will stop. I'm looking for the right technique. During these fights I really wished I could remember Supernanny's sleep technique 'cause I knew I could stick with it, I just didn't know what it was, and her show isn't available on ABC.com anymore. Today I found some clips on youtube and I think I know what to do now. I'm also thinking about moving Mercedes in with Rowan since she pretty much sleeps through the night now. She wakes up earlier than Rowan for a bottle around 6:30am, then goes back to sleep 'till about 8:30 or 9am. Which is when they both usually get up. But I think she'll have to be sleep trained before I put Mercedes in there because she'll probably still throw a fit and then Mercedes won't get any sleep either.

Do you think that will help?? I sure hope so. Oh, and I forgot to mention that she has always slept in the dark and never had a problem with it, but we got her a night-light one night in case it might help, and it did not help at all. She didn't even care, so I don't think that's the problem. Ben thought we should put the rail back up on the bed to make it a crib again, but I'm sure it won't help. It's hard to move backward, once you've gone forward, and I'm sure she would just climb out. So, for now I'm trying to figure out to keep the night-light or not, when we start the sleep technique tonight, and if I should or should not put Mercedes in there.

And on TOP of all that. We're getting ready to potty train. *sigh* Man, parenting is hard. Of course, no one has ever said otherwise, and it's all very worth it. Really it is. We all grow tremendously because of it, but...it's still hard.

Any potty training tips for me??? I've got potty books from the library we've been reading and we're gonna go get a little potty for her 'cause it's hard for her to climb up on the big one, even with her stool. I also got pull ups, and panties (I hate that word). I think I'll use the panties as an incentive. Maybe a sticker chart for every time she goes in the potty, and the panties for having gone like a week without accidents or something like that. I don't know. Honestly, I'm terrified. And they say it's helpful to be really light-hearted about it and have fun and laugh so they don't feel like it's a big deal, so I know I gotta put this stress away or she'll be stressed too. Gosh! Tough. Tough. Tough.
So, if I seem out of the loop, or unresponsive, or not all there, this is why. I'm not avoiding anyone, I swear :) Wish me luck!

~Crystal

Girl's Favorites!

Just wanna record some of the girl's favorite things to remember and share.

Rowan at her 2nd birthday party, September 2011

Rowan's favorite movies:
*Gnomeo and Juliet
*Winnie the Pooh (Grand Adventure)
*Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
*Discover Spot

Favorite sayings:
*When someone leaves she says "Okay, buh bye, see ya!" then proceeds to slam the door and lock it, haha.
*"Good."
*"Mer-see-see" for Mercedes, it used to be "Sissy/Seesee"
*When talking to Mama or Daddy she'll say the wrong name and correct herself, "Mama! No. Daddy!" or vice versa. :)
*"Waaa halp me?" which is her way of repeating us saying "Wanna help me?", which means she wants to help.

Rowan can now say almost all her colors and sign them.
She can count to fourteen, and loves to count the butterflies on her walls.
She loves singing the ABC's, but doesn't quite know all the letters yet, and can understand a few letters in sign.
Rowan loves to sing:
*ABC's     *Wheels on the Bus     *Oh, an Austrian went Yodeling    *Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
*Wise man and the foolish man   

Mercedes and Grandpa Alvarez, Christmas 2011

Mercedes loves:
*Birdie. A red toy bird that makes crinkle noises and is shaped like a bracelet.
*Dolly. A soft toy doll our sweet friend Laura Post gave to her.
*Her crocheted blankies she sleeps with. One from Hermana Mary (which was originally for Rowan) and one that Laura also gave to her. They are so nice!
*Mercedes loves to be held. She also loves tummy time and sitting up so she can see everything and everyone.
*She still has big, plump, kissable cheeks, and she is growing like a weed! She is 5 months old and is already wearing size 6, 9 and 12 month clothing! Some of her pj's Rowan just grew out of! Oh, and she and Rowan both wear size 3 diapers. Crazy!
*She eats 7-8 oz per meal by bottle, but has started baby foods and oatmeal cereal and she loves both.
*AND SHE HAS TWO TEETH!!!
*Mercedes still has dark hair, but quite a bit fell out already and it's very thin now.
*During Relief Society (a women's meeting during church) I play piano at the beginning and the end, and while I play the sisters usually help me by holding Mercedes and they just LOVE her!
 *OH! And she rolls over now too! And she seems to really wanna crawl, always kicking her legs and trying to get somewhere. :)

That's all I can think of for now. They're growing so fast, I'll try and keep up these little updates more often since they learn and change so much!

~Crystal